Question #10

A third of the way done, yea!

Before I answer the question, a quick note to update Jordan's IEP goals-his first IEP meeting went great, and I really like the SLP at Bush.  He has two goals, for now, to get his intelligibility up to 85% (it is currently at 70%) and to work on blend reductions up to 80% (he is currently at 60%).  Easily attainable goals, in my opinion, and they will be focusing on blends specifically with the letter sounds he doesn't say yet, ie, R and L (and lacking those at 5 years old is actually considered developmentally okay).  The SLP said he is an easy case because this is his only "issue"-other than this, he is at or above where he should be in development.  It's always funny to me to sit through IEP meetings where they have to go through the other areas of development when they are not issues for Jordan, ie:  "Jordan is able to use the toilet correctly, wash his own hands, and does not need diapers.  Jordan can use a spoon and a fork correctly and needs no assistance eating.  Jordan is able to run, jump, skip and climb without assistance."  It always makes me want to chuckle until I remind myself other kids are not in that boat, and I really shouldn't find humor in this.

Okay, that's the update-on to the question:

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

I promise, I'm not weird. But I am not sure if I have one!  I have always been this way, I'll get asked that question and I seriously cannot think of anything.  I am sure I get embarrassed, probably even more frequently than I realize....but it doesn't stick with me.  In most cases, I just laugh it off and not worry about it.  Let's see.  I remember playing volleyball in high school and missing a block I probably should have gotten, which caused us to lose the game. In the moment, I was utterly dejected and embarrassed.....but a few days later, it was so not a big deal, especially in light of the fact that our team had a losing record, so it really wasn't all that big of a deal.  I remember playing 9th-grade basketball and being embarrassed to wear our away uniforms-seriously ugly, uncomfortably thick things, and SUPER short shorts.  That team wasn't very good either, and I could have sworn the other teams laughed at us every time we stepped onto their courts...but again, it wasn't that big of a deal because everyone else had to wear them, and at least I wasn't silly enough to try to curl my hair to make it look dazzling before a game.

Ooh, this is a good one, but dates back to 5th grade.  I was away at 5th-grade camp, and we were going on the infamous hike with Mr. Manley-the one where he pretends (I think) to eat deer poop off the trail.  Anyhow, my stomach wasn't feeling good, so I just dealt with it, and pressed on. While hiking back to camp, my stomach took a major turn for the worse-impending diarrhea.  Of course, no bathrooms in sight, and I didn't want to tell these male teachers what was going on.  There was no stopping it. Literally.  I only just managed to separate myself from everyone else when the "no stopping it" came to fruition and I literally had an accident in my pants.  I hastily tied my jacket around my waist and just prayed no one would notice. One boy in my grade named Jeremy asked me why I was clutching my jacket around my waist so tight.  I don't remember what I said back to him, but I do remember getting really hot and flushed, as if he knew.

 We got back to camp and I snuck back up to my cabin while everyone else went to get lunch.  I had to shower to clean off, it was that bad.  I never told anyone that at the time, and was so embarrassed-though less embarrassed had anyone found out.

I can't think of anything that has happened as an adult that I feel embarrassed about...how sad is that, given that I'm a mother and a teacher????  I may have to come back to this later on to add a more grown-up answer.

Journal: Random Stuff

Today my goal was to avoid letting the kids see my frustration (which is really frustration at things OTHER than the kids, and I don't need that to spill over to them).  I think I did okay today-I concentrated on keeping my voice calm and positive, even when Sara spilled a glass cup full of milk-effective breaking the cup and drenching the floor.  I did good when James woke up covered in poop since he stripped off his pants and his diaper overnight.  I did good when the kids started their traditional fight over who sits where on the way to school.  I even did good with the ultimate test:  Sara would NOT tell me where she had put her yoghurt, which she had assumedly finished eating in her room....it took 30 minutes of intervention, with our same consistent routine when she refuses to talk or throw fits, for her to finally reveal that she had stuffed the 2/3's full yoghurt cup in between her mattress and her bed frame. Sigh.  Super frustrating, but I was able to take myself out of it and speak in a calm, detached voice until she realized it was getting her nowhere to shut down or cry.

For the future Sara, we love you to pieces, and we realize this is just a stage.  Sara is in a very frustrating stage right now though of touching everything she shouldn't, lying about it, and then refusing to talk about it.  She has started throwing silent fits if we ask her to clean her room, or if we ask her to do anything else she doesn't want to do, especially if it impedes with something that she DOES want to do:  she'll stand there and stare at us, not talking, not moving.  It doesn't matter if we give her a choice, or set up a reward, or give her a time limit, or help her get started-the second she is on her own, then she starts to cry or just sits in her room or wherever refusing to do it.  It has been very very frustrating to try to figure out what will work while not lowering our very reasonable expectations that she needs to talk when we ask her something, and she needs to clean up messes she makes.  She has gotten into a bad habit of touching all of Karianna's things when she takes a nap 3-4 days of the week.  It frustrates Karianna so much.....Sara needs the quiet time though at the age she is at, otherwise, she is completely out of sorts by 6.  We have gutted out most toys from her room and set certain things as off limits with clear consequences and rewards.  It's not working yet though, to the degree that I'm thinking of offsetting her nap with James and having her sleep in James' spare bed.  So lots of things, it feels like, to work on with Sara.  She is such a doll and so helpful most of the time....makes it all the more frustrating when she refuses to make good choices.

Okay, on the bright side, we had rain for most of the day today and I sat outside with the kids for a long time while they played in the rain.  James and Sara are such great playmates for the most part-Sara loves to play house with dollies or the actual dollhouses, and she keeps up a running commentary the whole time.  James totally gets into it with her, and it is awesome to see them playing together.  Sara has held on to a very innocent, child-like quality of finding joy in very simple things-like screeching "Abee! Abee! Abee!" and then busting out laughing-thus James does it too and they go back and forth like that.  Sara sings songs to James all day and he will clap for her every single time.  James loves to clean up right now (yea!) and will constantly walk around saying "More! More!" if he sees more garbage or toys to pick up.  He loves to tell me the other kids are "at school" or that Jared is "at work".  He went through a phase about a month ago where he was rejecting going to sleep or naps to any degree, and would throw everything out of his bed-even his blankets and bed sheets (how he got them off, I still don't know).  He is back to normal now, laying down right away with his baby dolls and a blankie.  He hasn't yet climbed out of his bed at nighttime, and I think I have (thankfully) drilled it into his mind that he doesn't climb out during naps-he's doing great.

I managed to get dishes done today and several loads of laundry-which I will fold tonight during an online work meeting.  I actually got to teach this morning for the first time in a week (we are in a majorly slow slump for EO) and I really really enjoyed my students.  WGU is still going great, got another weekly review yesterday and once again had no ill comments-my supervisor said I was becoming one of her "star evaluators".  Makes me feel good, I don't need to be the best, but I like to do a great job at anything I am given-continues to feel nice when I can do that.  I am a bit nervous for the next 5 weeks in primary, as we will be prepping for the primary program, and I am worried about how my body will hold up.  We did great though last week-I was able to sit pretty much the entire time and keep the kids extremely engaged in Don't Eat Pete.  I just have to change up my style to being less physically active, and it should work.

Karianna is excelling in all her school work, which is great!  She showed me an awesome flowchart that she had typed up in computer lab, complete with graphics-it was seriously impressive!  Her class goes to computer lab twice a week, and I really like that-I love that she is getting that much more exposure to technology.  She is loving violin as well. 

 JD is doing equally well, though I wish his teacher would amp up his testing for math facts-I feel he could be passing off a ton of levels, but they only do it so often....he is excelling at his weekly spelling/reading tests, and his weekly ORFs are fantastic-the one he brought home today had him reading 123 wpm, which is great given that the 1st quarter 2nd grade goal is 71.  He remains constantly impressed with his own scores, as if he didn't really think he could be doing so well. 

Jordan has retained that amazing joy he shows all the time for learning.  He remembers everything his teacher tells him, it's crazy.  He is so proud to show me his stamps for behavior every day and tell me all the good things he did.  He has his first speech IEP meeting tomorrow morning and I'll be interested to see what his goals are.  He is very understandable now and has no delays in terms of speaking or his vocabulary-he just has sounds he doesn't pronounce yet-like R.  His class is working on letter R this week, but he pronounces it as a W sound-it has made his homework today interesting!

I got a call from my OB office moments ago with the fantastic news that I passed my glucose screening-woohoo!  I pretty much always fail the 1 hour test and have to do the 3 hour-so glad I don't have to this time!  It did show that I was on the low end of being anemic, so I need to take an iron supplement daily until delivery.  I don't have to go to another OB appointment until October 1st at 32 weeks for an ultrasound.  I am fairly positive at this point that baby is transverse.  I feel all movements right now at either my right hip or my left hip-and I mean extreme side to side action.  I will occasionally get some movement in the middle of my belly, but not as much by far as the hip action.  Come to think of it, having Jackson laying this way may have been helping my SPD a bit.  I want him to flip head down obviously by the time I go in for my ultrasound in 3 weeks, but for now, it's been an interesting sensation....my babies do not normally lay this way.

That was a long journal entry.  :)  It feels good though to just "talk-type", this is good therapy!  :D

Question #9

List 10 people who have influenced you and explain why.

1. Jared.  Of course he has to be the first person I list who has influenced me, as he does so every single day.  I have known Jared since I was a little girl, but his first true blue influence on me was when he was dating my older sister actually.  They would get home from a date and I would still be up, and all three of us would talk at the kitchen table for hours.  I remember thinking during those talks that Jared was the most spiritual, amazing person I had ever met. I seriously did not even remotely think about him in a romantic way at all.  I just remember leaving all those conversations wanting to be better.  
2. Jesus.  I don't want it to look blasphemous, putting Jesus Christ 2nd, so please don't take it that way!  Of course Jesus Christ has had a huge influence on my life, given that He is the basis for my testimony and my entire spiritual self.  I have always had a testimony, but really started to stand on my own around 16/17 when rough things happened and I needed to be on my own two feet.  By the end my Tucson college years, I think my life was more Christ centered than it had ever been, and of course that revolved around Jesus Christ.  That will never change.
3. and 4.  My parents.  They were the ones who taught us growing up about the gospel and about being good people in general.  I learned responsibility, hard work, and sacrifice from them.  I probably got a lot of my drive towards education from them, given that they were both educators.  At times I look back at my childhood and feel I grew up in a bubble of some sort-I didn't know how terrible the world was just because I lived so far from it with the type of home my parents set up.  That is such a good thing, honestly.

5.  6. 7. 8. 9.  My kids.  I can't leave them off this list.  They teach me things every day, each one of them in their own unique ways as they deal with their own unique challenges.  Parenthood changes a person so much.  I always knew that, but man, you don't really get what that means until you are in the middle of it.  The last few days have been very difficult in terms of being able to keep my patience and avoid yelling out of frustration.  That's the biggest thing my kids are trying t teach me right now, and I mean that in a good way.

10.  My friends.  Over the years, especially growing up, my friends had a huge influence on me, sometimes to a fault.  I really, really pride myself on being a good friend.  I try to be that all the time without fail.  As a teenager, I put so much into my friendships, and sometimes it acted as an emotional drain on me in a major way.  However, my friends really did influence me to be a better person, and I frequently think without their influences, I might not have had such a positive childhood/teenage-hood.

Admittedly Frustrated.

I was really excited for today.  

Sigh.

Today was stake conference, and Elder Anderson was visiting our stake. It's rare for an apostle to visit, and I have great memories as a kid of hosting general authorities in our home growing up.  I was super excited to be in the presence of an apostle.  

Unfortunately, the day did not go as planned.

We left our house about half an hour early to head to the institute building.  I knew we would be way in the back, but I didn't mind that-it would have been way harder trying to keep the kids entertained for the length of time it would have required to sit up close.  It was pouring when we left.  When we got there, we were expecting Jared to be able to drop me and the kids off at the entrance so I didn't have to walk. They wouldn't let us.  We thus parked about a mile away and began to hike in the rain, with 5 kids, while very pregnant with SPD, to the institute building.  Thankfully, about halfway there, someone stopped in their SUV and offered us a ride.  That helped a lot, as I was going so slow, it was taking us forever as it was.  We got there, and as expected, went straight to the back.  But it was ridiculously full. We ended up on the stage in the very back with no chairs.  The kids sat on the floor.  I pulled over a lone kid table for them to draw at while I was sitting on the edge.  Jared dragged over a piano bench.  A man in front of us kindly offered me his chair, though he forewarned me that it was broken, but at least had some back support. I was grateful, but it was probably the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in.  

Still, I thought we are here to listen to an apostle, that is awesome.  I prayed the kids would be able to handle it.  And they did well, given the circumstances.  However, an hour into the conference, I realized I had not heard a thing that had been said.  James was having a hard time sitting still and continually flopped on the floor, banging his head into things on the way down.  The other kids were trying so hard, but without chairs, and being in such weird circumstances, they were struggling.  I started having fake contractions, and Jared was just doing his best to walk James in and out of the chapel as needed.  I finally took James into the mother's lounge at one point to change him, and realized the mother's lounge was a huge, cool room, full of comfortable armchairs, and it was broadcasting the conference.  I grabbed James, Sara, some snacks and coloring books, and that's where we spent the last 40 minutes of the conference.  I have to admit, by that time, I was just worried about contractions, and keeping the two little kids quiet for the sake of the other mothers nursing their babies...I still didn't get to pay attention very much to Elder Anderson's talk, which makes me sad.  At that point though, it was kind of like survival-lets just get through it and if we are lucky, we'll catch some of the spirit.

We started walking out during the closing song to hike back to the car.  I sent Jared ahead with the boys minus James so he could pick me up halfway.  I was dying about half a mile into the walk before he picked me up. I'm seriously not usually such a wimp, but this SPD stuff has been kicking my rear.  I can't walk in more than a shuffle, and having to pull James with me while balancing a diaper bag and an umbrella (as it was raining, of course) was not fun.  Jared picked us up though, and now I am laying in bed trying to recover.  

I wish I could have gotten more out of the conference.  I am sad about that, I was looking forward to that spiritual uplift.  I really really wish they would have broadcast conference to other buildings.  From our vantage point in the back-having snagged the last space available, chairs or not-we saw so many people come in to look for seats and then just leave. Jared was trying to find me a better chair that was not broken, and he said all the side rooms were full of people, and so many were sitting in the halls or just standing around.  He talked to one of the ushers, and he said a lot of people who came in late just left because there was just nowhere to sit.  I am sure many others not in our stake came today, and that's great, but I really wish they had planned this better to have it broadcast elsewhere just to provide more seats.  

It can't be helped at this point though, so I'll just have to look forward to general conference and hearing the general authorities speak at that point.  

Question #8

What are 5 passions you have?

*This is not an official order by the by.

1. My relationship with my husband.
2. Raising my family.
3. The gospel/my testimony
4. Education/Teaching
5. Music (inclusive of singing, primary, and teaching it to my kids).
6. Blogging.
7. Staying active.  I have a fear of not being able to do this one someday.

Oops, that's seven.  Guess I better end this list.....

Question #7

What is your dream job and why?

My dream job is to be a teacher. Preferably 1-3 grades, in a district that values small class size, an all-encompassing curriculum, and a progressive pay scale that actually functions.  But in general, being a teacher :)  Jared always tells me I am extremely lucky in that I knew what I wanted to do early on in my life, and that I actually do it.  I will always be involved in education. I knew that for sure the second I stopped teaching after JD was born and thought I was walking away from holding a job for a long time....nope, couldn't do it.  It's hard to explain. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but I feel an intense drive to work in the education field because I know I have been given certain talents/qualities that make it easy for me.  I relate well to children. Teaching a lesson is innate to me.  I can come up with lesson plans for just about any topic and I am good at the multi-tasking job that is planning curriculum.  I know I can help kids learn, plain and simple.  My patriarchal blessing tells me I will be working with children most of my life.  I always knew that meant my own children, but I strongly believe it means other's children as well.

Therefore, I feel very blessed that I have had the opportunities to get two degrees in education, to actually teach in a traditional classroom, and to now teach in an online classroom. My new job has been so rewarding to help others become teachers, and I have learned so much just grading the various assignments students send to me.  I don't feel a strong drive at this moment to go back into a traditional classroom, as I have in the past, thus I am content with what is on my plate.  But I do know eventually, I will go back to a traditional classroom, and I am fairly positive I will eventually make WGU a full-time position before that happens...I don't know the timeline, but I am fairly positive about those two things.  It means though, that I need to keep my license up to date, and I need to finish my ESL endorsement ;)  I'm not complaining, I Love learning!

Question #6

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

My answer for this would have changed multiple times depending on when I was asked this!

If I had been asked this at 13, I would have said dealing with homesickness, especially while away at Girl's Camp (which would then be combined with night terrors and walking/talking in my sleep).

If I had been asked this at 17, I would have said watching a best friend fall away from the church, break away from other friends of ours, and threaten suicide several times.

If I had been asked this at 19, I would have said the beginning stages of my kind-of-relationship with Jared.  We were best friends long before we started dating, and my first year and a half of college was my "Mormon Soap Opera" in terms of how he told me he wanted to date me (after having seriously dated my older sister)...the soap opera continues over the course of many months of non-dates, long talks, long emails with just barely hidden emotions, ultimatums, engagements to other people (just one), emotional breakdowns (me), and lots of prayers verifying I needed to back off and watch Jared marry someone else even though somehow, I knew we were supposed to be together.  Everything finally made sense the day he called me to tell me his engagement was nonexistent anymore.  We were emotionally and mentally inseparable from that day on.

If I had been asked this at 22, I would have said dealing with a miscarriage.

If I had been asked this at 24, I would have easily said dealing with the passing of my Dad.  In some ways, that would still be the answer, but I have gotten a lot of comfort from the Lord in that regard.

If I had been asked this at 29, I would have said something along the lines of trying to balance jobs, finances, managing a house, taking care of lots of little kids, and staying sane.  That one as a long-term "thing" is probably the overall winner.

But since I need to identify something that has been the hardest to deal with, at the age of 31, I have to say James' journey:  finding out he had 3 birth defects on his 2nd day of life; watching him be hooked up to innumerable tubes, needles, machines and not being able to do anything but wait;  giving him one last kiss before open heart surgery; praying he wouldn't die; praying to have faith and be comforted if he died; nursing him back to health after his surgery; taking him back for a second surgery after he had been home for a mere week; and cautiously holding my breath every time we now go visit the cardiologist, hoping with all my heart that his little heart is still doing well despite a terribly malformed valve.  That was probably the longest use of semi-colons on the face of the planet.  That entire situation was a baptism of fire, and there are a lot of things I could say about it in terms of what we learned.  I will say though that watching my child in a life-threatening situation and feeling so helpless-when I would have been 120% willing to switch places with him in a heartbeat-is the hardest thing I have been through to date.   So grateful for the blessings that have been born of that experience, and extra grateful that Jackson's heart looks wonderful.

Swimming at Shepherd

The rain was looming down on us today, but thankfully, it dissipated by 6 and we were able to head to a swim party at Shepherd, hosted by Grandma and Grandpa's ward.  They do this every year and it is always so fun to go and run around Shepherd without huge lines or the sun for that matter!  I wasn't sure how much fun I was going to have, but Jared helped a ton with the little kids, and it gave me the freedom to rest when needed and just relax a bit more.

JD, Karianna, and Jordan of course just ran off-they all spotted some friends from school and I only saw them pop in and out every now and then to exclaim about what they were doing.  Sara and James stayed in the shallow end with Jared and I while we chatted with Jared's family off and on.  Sara didn't bother with her floatie, and she was just flipping around in the water like a pro-I really do believe if I had concentrated on swimming lessons with her for a week or two, she would be completely fine.  She LOVES doing "swimming lessons", ie, swimming with no floatie and just a grown up watching.  James was being a fruitcake :)  He walks up and down the shoreline, picks up gross leaves, splashes around, then walks out of the pool and races to the bathrooms or the slide or the eating area, laughing his head off.  He thought it was so funny to escape!  He didn't have any floatie either, so it was taking a lot of monitoring to keep him safe.

We all went and watched the older kids dive for a good half hour.  All three older kids dove and flipped off the low boards.  Karianna impressed us all by diving off the high dive multiple times!  JD of course just jumped and yelled "Cowabunga" each time.  Jordan, at 5 years old, asked if he could try the high dive, and I agreed, though I decided to bypass the lifeguard and see if we could get away with it.  Technically you are supposed to be 8 to go on the high dive, but usually at parties, they look the other way...I figured, if they want to enforce the rules, that's fine, but we will try in the meantime.  They didn't say anything, and Jordan ended up jumping off the high dive multiple times with zero fear.  It was awesome to watch!

The only downside to the whole night came right at the end.  Jordan came over to the shallow end, picked up James and proceeded to carry him into the pool, unbeknownst to Jared, who was watching James at the moment.  I was just a few feet away watching Sara splash around, and noticed Jordan, right as he stumbled and plummeted into the water, completely submerging James.  I leaped over to them real quick to yank James up, but it was enough to shock James pretty bad.  Jordan was just trying to help, and we knew that, it was just a scary sight to see James go completely underwater like that.  He really was fine after a few minutes, and even more fine when I gave him an oreo.  I will say though, it makes me glad that summer is drawing to a close and I can lock that pool gate up nice and tight and worry just a bit less!

The Bush pool party got canceled due to rain last week, and we are still hopeful that will get rescheduled in the next few weeks before summer really draws to a close!

Question #5

What are five things that make me happy right now?

1. The SLIGHTEST cool breeze in the air when I wake up in the morning.
2. Feeling Jackson kick.
3. The way my husband loves me.
4. Moments when the kids are calm and kind to each other.
5. Receiving praise from a relatively new job.

This is a good question for me.  I inwardly sighed when I saw that was the question for today and then surprised myself by realizing it was the easiest question thus far.

29 Week Update

I think I just gave a pregnancy update, but I'll update again since I just had a doctor appointment.

I am in my 29th week at this point, and overwhelmingly ready to be in the 30's so I can start a real countdown.  If I say I have about 11 weeks left, it just feels like soooooo much, especially when I realize that it is nearly 3 months.  Sounds depressing.  I realize it's really not that long, but I'm just ready to be done with pregnancy!

The silver lining is feeling Jackson moving all the time.  He has been feet down for such a long time, but I am fairly certain he has flipped-I'm not getting those debilitating kicks straight to my cervix any long, and I am starting to get some good kicks to my ribs.  I definitely feel like I'm at that point of running out of room, which is standard-I grow up as long as possible and then I start popping out.  I feel like I'm starting to pop outward a little more, though I still had someone tell me on Sunday I barely even looked pregnant...I wanted to laugh because that's just not the case, I feel huge!!!!  Early on in pregnancy, that comment is nice, as it makes you feel like you are still holding your shape.  It changes later on in pregnancy though-it's a double-edged sword.  It's nice to hear people insinuate you still look small, but when you KNOW you don't, it almost turns into a false compliment....I know, I am analyzing this too much, because I certainly don't want people to say "wow, you are huge!"  lol, it's funny when I think about it like that!  This is a long tangent: end of the day, I really enjoy feeling Jackson move and watching my belly dance around.

At this doctor appointment, my BP remained nice and normal, weight gain is on target, and I am measuring right on schedule.  Jackson's heart rate was 136, pretty much same as last time.  I had to take my awesome (not) glucose test, and James sat in my lap while they took some blood-oh, he screamed!  He thought it was his turn!  He was just fine when he realized it wasn't him, but it certainly through him for a loop!  I'll have to tack in the results of that later today, I am expecting them to call.  I talked to my doctor about the intense pain I'm having and she verified as much as she could it sounded exactly like SPD....have I described that yet?  basically, my pubic symphisis bones-which move during labor to deliver baby's head-are already moving a bit even though they aren't supposed to, hence the intense pain I have anytime I move.  She recommended staying in bed as much as possible (NOT bed rest, just staying down whenever I can), and she verified the support belt I have is, in fact, a good one-she gave me some good recommendations on how to wear it to actually cradle the belly, as it's supposed to.  I had an episode a few days ago where my left ear got super pressurized, and I was having vertigo and tinnitus sensations.  The ringing in my ear lasted all night and even the next morning before dissipating once I got busy with the day.  The vertigo was a trip...I felt like I had spun in a circle for 10 minutes and then stopped suddenly.  It was super disorienting and would last maybe 30 seconds before going away for a few minutes.  Anyhow, it is not uncommon for me to have ear issues while pregnant, but this was way different.  My OB recommended seeing an ENT, but I think I will wait until after pregnancy to see if it goes away.  My Dad had Meniere's Disease, which is basically what I was experiencing, he just had it to a way worse degree.  It doesn't have a strong genetic link, but there is a link.  We'll just have to see if happens again.

I don't need to go back to the doctor until 32 weeks, at which point I get an ultrasound (woohoo!), and I'll probably ask Dr. Schlecht about induction, just to see if she's still open to it and if the hospital policy has changed.  I know this is silly, but I am so tired of being pregnant and just ready to be done that I already started packing my hospital bag.  Seriously silly of me, but there it is.  My toiletries are pretty much all packed minus my hair dryer/straightener...my makeup always stays in my purse, so that's a nonissue. I stopped myself from packing my actual bag, I need something to get me through the next 11 weeks!

That's around it!  Hoping time goes by quickly, I am ready to have Jackson here and to feel more physically healthy!

He Loves His Baby

James loves baby dolls right now.  He will carry one way up on his shoulder all day long, but only small ones-if you try to give him a bigger baby doll, he'll throw it on the floor.  If you try to exchange the baby for a cute bear or other stuffed animal, he will reject it with no hesitancy-it has to be a baby.  I'm glad he likes small babies so much!

Question #4

10 things I would tell my 16-year-old self...

*Disclaimer:  I don't know if I can get up to 10.  I'll do my best...

1. Things are not as stressful as you think they are.  I let myself get so overwhelmed with stress in high school, it was ridiculous.  I was convinced I was feeling the apex of being "stressed out".  I did an extracurricular project in the 11th grade (still 16) for Boeing, where my group had to come up with a community outreach program, detail how to create/fund/staff it, and present it to the company in hopes of actually getting it funded.  My group designed a "Stress Reduction Program"; we didn't get selected for funding, but it was a great experience all around.  The introduction to our program overview was an anecdotal story about a high school student having recurring stress dreams because, even though she was not dealing with the type of stress adults deal with, teenagers have an incredible amount of stress in relation to their age-therefore they need help to learn how to cope.  Names were changed to protect the innocent in that story....I can now reveal it was my story, and a true one at that!  I did have recurring stress dreams all the time, ones I still remember vividly to this day.  Regardless though, in retrospect, it really was not as stressful as I thought.
2. You don't have to save your friends.  I went through a very difficult time in my late teens with a friend who fell away from the church.  It was devastating to me, and I felt like I had to personally "save" her.  Around the same time, my two best friends had a falling out and I felt stuck in the middle-as if it was up to me to get them back together.  I generally tend to feel responsible for others around me, and this was taking it to an extreme.  When this one good friend started hinting at suicide, I remember running barefoot to our bishop's house and talking to him on his trampoline for a long time about the situation, crying my eyes out the entire time.  I got back home later that night and talked to my parents for a long time.  My Dad told me it wasn't up to me to save this friend-he said the Lord had already done that, she just needed to rely on that.  My only job was to be a good friend (not a Savior, since she already had that) and to pray for her.  I remember that conversation to this day.
3. Don't stress out so much about body image. What teenage girl doesn't need to hear that?  I wasted so much time worrying about that and who really cared?  Other people who really mean nothing to me?  Wow. What a waste of time, yet probably unavoidable as a teenager going through puberty.  I wish I could erase that from any girl's life.  It has always been a goal for me with my own daughters to raise them to be confident about themselves and to love themselves and treat their bodies well.
4. Your brother is not out to be the death of you.  I remember one time in my teens getting so frustrated at my brother (who shall remain nameless) that I angrily told my parents I really thought he needed therapy because he would not stop opening the bathroom door and then just walking away if I was in it.  Okay, maybe I was in the right with that comment... ;)
5. You don't have to be perfect.  I thought I had to be.  My older sister was a self-proclaimed perfectionist and good at so many things.  I really felt, my entire life, that my parents expected me to be the exact same way, and I was just built differently.  If I got a B on a test (not even a B overall, just on one test!) I freaked out because I was sure my parents would be upset that I didn't do as good as my older sister.  I remember one time getting an A- on a progress report (not even a report card) and telling my parents (and I'm betting I was being somewhat snarky) that the minus wasn't a big deal-that it was just a progress report and there was nothing wrong with it.  I remember my Dad getting so upset at that comment, telling me it was just fine for me to have that attitude, that he wouldn't pay for me to go to college if I was acting that way and I could just throw my life away.  Yikes.  I burst into tears and locked myself in the upstairs bathroom.  I can't remember if my dad actually left for work and then came back, or if he never left at all, or if he did leave and just called on the phone.  But 5 minutes after crying my eyes out in the bathroom, he was wanting to talk to me to apologize.  I refused, I was so upset, as that whole situation just played into my fear that I had to be perfect all the time.  I wouldn't talk to my Dad at the time, and in retrospect, I wish I had....he was just frustrated and wanted the best for me, and I was frustrated and didn't understand his perspective.  
6. Sharing a room with 2 sisters will end up being a good thing in the long run. There were times I certainly did not feel like this.  I look back now and appreciate the memories I have staying up late talking to my sisters or laying out all the Berenstein Bear books like a patchwork quilt and picking them one by one to read before tossing them across the room to the other person when finished.
7. Life gets harder, so appreciate the ease of having parents paying for most everything.  LOL, this one has to be true for everyone as well!
8. Build a strong testimony now.  I feel like I did that fairly well, though I do not think I understood the importance of it.  As a mother now, it is imperative to me to do that, as I can now see how my testimony strengthened me through my teenage years, as well as through my college years.  
9. Don't Worry-one day you will get the guts to straighten your hair and get rid of the curl for good!  I started getting perms when I was probably in the 3rd grade, and my hair was curly throughout my college years....there were many days during my teen years when I felt it looked like a big huge poofball and I desperately wanted to change it but just didn't think I had any options that way.
10. You will find a man that exceeds your dreams and he will love you more than you know.  I was convinced as an older teenager that it wasn't possible for any guy to love me enough to marry me.  I was convinced I wouldn't get married until 28, and I told people that I didn't want to get married until then anyway....that wasn't really true, I was just putting up a defense mechanism so people wouldn't think I cared about not getting married in my very early 20's like most LDS girls.  I never dated in high school, aside from a random date to a dance every now and then. Even when I was getting to know Jared-to the degree that I 100% viewed him as my best friend and a model of what I would ideally want in a husband-I never ever thought he would pick me...the idea seemed ludicrous, enough to where I didn't even have a crush on him because it was that impossible.  I wish I would have had more confidence in myself as a teenager and understood my own self-worth a little better.  I'm not perfect now, but life has a way of showing you the truth.  

Woohoo, I made it to 10! That was the hardest question yet! The rest are super easy, right?

Question #3

Describe your relationship with your parents.

Let's see, growing up, my relationship with my parents was probably strained at times, but also great at times-mostly as I got older and realized my parents weren't the enemy.  I had many good conversations with my parents as I started to experience some more difficult, spiritual things with my friends, and those are good memories, though the situations were hard at the time.  I had a great connection with my Dad in terms of education-we would talk about this all the time.  Preteen years were probably the hardest because I did not feel like I could have conversations with my parents about very private, personal issues....that made the process of growing up a little difficult and uncertain, but it ended up just fine.  Nowadays my relationship with my parents is still fine:  I can call and ask my mom questions or ask her to help in a pinch.  Living close has been nice, and I was worried it would be stressful....not the case, which is great!  I hear about so many people who are completely estranged from their parents/families, and I am glad that is not the case with me.

Question #2

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and how they became fears.

1. Spiders:  I legitimately fear spiders. I have night terrors about them.  I end up in the bathroom screaming my head off, and not even knowing it until Jared shakes me awake.  It's only then that I realize I am not in my bed resting peacefully.  I can never remember what the dream is about, but I always have a vivid image in my head of a spider being on my pillow or falling on my face, or something like that.....which is why I end up screaming like a banshee.  Why do I have this fear?  The only things I can trace it to are paper mache and black widows.  They are both related :)  We had black widows around our front door all the time growing up. I remember being super intrigued by them, but also scared to death of them.  I did a report on black widows in the 3rd grade, and made a model black widow out of paper mache....I know it sounds silly, but such a large image of a spider that I already feared kind of did me in.  I call it the Ron Weasley effect.  
2. Dark:  Even as an adult, I am scared of the dark, and SO not afraid to admit it. I honestly don't know why this one became a fear-probably a product of childhood scares that just never went away as I became more knowledgeable about how scary the world can be.  I do remember hearing very scary ghost stories in my elementary school years, and I won't even go into those now because it will make me scared when I go to bed tonight (seriously, they will).  
3. Losing People:  I think any mother has a drastic fear of losing her spouse or children, and I am no exception.  I think my experiences of losing my dad and having a miscarriage...and even coming close to losing James had it not been for open heart surgery....solidified this fear.  I didn't experience death to any degree until my grandpa passed away in 11th grade.  I didn't feel that degree of sorrow and confusion until my miscarriage and then, most severely, with my Dad.  While I am grateful for my testimony and know that would be the thing to strengthen me should the worst occur, I also know this is something I still fear, many times to the degree that I have to literally tell myself to not worry about things that are out of my control and just have faith.  Its good advice for a lot of things, but especially for this.

Labor Day

We spent the day off of school at Fountain Hills.  Though it would get really hot later on, the morning/early afternoon was breezy and overcast, and it made for a great day at the lake watching the fountain, playing on the shaded playground equipment, and of course, splashing around in the splash pad.  The kids loved it and it was nice to get out of the house and be okay.  I have been nervous to go do anything with the kids in the mornings because I'm afraid I'll start hurting.  I was okay today though, and that was refreshing-makes me think I'll be more okay than not if I take the kids to a splash park in the mornings, or to the mall play area, or something like that.  We had a fun morning together, and it was even nicer to just hang out as a family away from the house, where we have a tendency to just put on a family movie, or play a raucous game of tag (which just frustrates me at the end of the day because I have to clean up after it....).  I did take, like, my first pregnancy picture while at the park, not sure if it came out well or really showcases how pregnant I look, but it is what it is.  I'm 28 weeks in it.

Celebrating Early!

Karianna's birthday is not until September 16th of course, but we had a quadruple birthday party today for her, and cousins Makayla, Shanna, and Brenna.  It is rare that Karianna gets to do a cousin party with Makayla, who is her best friend, cousin or not.  We couldn't get all the family out for it, but given that today is Labor Day, we figured that would be the case, and that was okay....given how difficult pregnancy is for me now, and how stressful it can be on the Hammerquists to travel, we wanted it to be as laid back as possible.

We had planned to go to a park since the days have been overcast, windy, and on the brink of rainy.  Of course, as it got to be half an hour until party time, I realized it was just too hot to have a party at the park.  We nixed that idea and changed up plans. Everyone came over to our house instead and those who could brought swimming suits to swim.  Our backyard looks gross.  It's just a fact. The pool deck really needs to be redone...that's out of our control. But the pool was in good shape, and the cousins loved it.  Thankfully the house itself was fairly clean since I have been in a nesting mode in terms of cleaning, so that wasn't too stressful for me.

Overall, it was fun celebrating the girls, especially Karianna.  It is so funny to see her reactions to gifts!  She gets so kooky and crazy, it's awesome-its genuine, and that's what makes it awesome.  I didn't give her all the gifts I have for her-we'll save those for her "real" birthday party on the 16th, but we did give her an earring and necklace set, and her new bedspread/pillowcase/pillow set.  She was ecstatic about everything and it was so wonderful to see her so happy.

We had ice cream sandwich/bar treats for the kids, which went over really well, and everyone jumped in the pool to clean cool off.  It was a fun evening, and the cousins had a blast together.  Happy early Birthday Karianna!

Question #1

I am stealing Rachel Erickson's idea for 30 days worth of blog posts!  I still crack up when I read/see/say "Rachel Erickson" knowing I am not talking about myself!  :)  This will just be a good way to journal every day and focus more on the positive than the negatives.  So here we go, prompt/question#1:

List 20 random facts about yourself.

1. I just told the baby I was sorry for laying a weird position that he obviously didn't like because he punched me really hard. That's a fact-I really did just do that.
2. I like Captain Crunch despite its overwhelmingly yellow/orange dye. 
3. I have SPD.
4. I can jump rope really well.
5. I can say the tongue twister "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" really really fast.  
6. I have been teaching in elementary schools since 10th grade, starting with after-school programs.  
7. When I was young, I could dislocate both of my shoulders on command.  If I try nowadays, it hurts like the dickens, so I don't "try" any longer.
8. I am right-handed.
9. The only bones I have broken are my thumb and my skull.
10. I wanted to be a teacher, a pediatrician, an interior designer, or a florist when I was little.
11. I don't care about having top-of-the-line TV's...I am perfectly fine with our old "box" TV's that work just fine.  I even still have a "box TV" that I won in the 7th grade.  It still works.
12. I have five kids, pregnant with #6, and I had one miscarriage.
13. I get scared EXTREMELY easily.
14. I value being a good friend, and it is admittedly hard for me if I realize at some point that's not reciprocated. 
15. I have lived in Arizona my entire life and have only visited the states that touch AZ.
16. I love education and will be professionally involved with it for as long as possible. 
17. I don't like to be the center of attention, especially when it's because I am struggling with something.
18. My best friend and my husband are the same person.
19. I actually have naturally red hair, I just dye it to make it brown.
20. I am not a dog or a cat person-I hate animal saliva.

Hey, a fun twist on this game if anyone ever reads this:  which one of the above facts is totally NOT a fact?

Journal: Weird Day

Today has been a weird day.  I can't tell if it has been good or bad....I guess its good that I feel sane at the end of it.  ;)  That's always a plus!  It's just that, when I make this list, it's going to seem like lots of not-good things happened, so I'll have to see if I can add some good things.

1. James continued to be a bit of a terror (a loveable one, but a terror nonetheless).  He managed to pull down the semi-circle shade that goes over our semi-circle window in the front room.....like, he pulled it all the way off the window and onto the floor and was sitting on it.  That means he climbed up onto the sofa and probably onto the table to get at it.  All while I was doing dishes in the other room and thought he was playing with blocks.
2. Another James note....he figured out how to climb out of his pack and play today.  Sigh.  I know I have been on borrowed time...he is such an accomplished climber, I am not sure why this hasn't happened earlier. All I can figure it he knows his bed is for sleep, so he has treated it as that thus far.  No more, unfortunately. We spent a long part of his nap today learning that we can't climb and come out of our room.
3. I finished sorting all the old kid clothes today by gender and size...even got them packed in boxes and categorized in the closets as I want them.  That's a positive!  It means I can finish cleaning out James' room tomorrow now that his closet is done and I can actually reach the bed sheets.  
4. The boys' room got finished yesterday other than vacuuming, and it is STILL clean at the end of the day today.  Accomplishment!
5. I went to Curriculum Night tonight and felt very good about each of the kid's classrooms and teachers.
6. I got my maternity support belt today to help with what I think is SPD (basically where the pubic symphysis bones move more-and before-they are supposed to, causing major pelvic pain, which has been majorly ailing me).  This should be good news....but I wore it today to get housework done and to go to curriculum night tonite, and I am sad to say, I am lying in bed now in more pain than I was in yesterday.....I felt like the belt was just compressing the baby and my bladder, and I really experimented with different placements, thinking I had it on wrong.  I am at one of three options with it after a day:  I just need to get used to it; I don't have a big enough belly for it yet-maybe my belly needs to be bigger to actually function correctly; or the name "support belt" is misleading and it's not going to help at all.  I'll give it a week.
7. I got my third weekly review from my supervisor today and for the third week in a row had zero negative comments-she couldn't find anything wrong with how I am evaluating.  That made me feel good, I have been working so hard to acclimate well to this job, and I am so glad to know it is showing.  
8. So the weirdest part of the day and the saddest.  Jared got a phone call around 2pm today from his mom.  He learned that his Uncle Gary passed away very suddenly this afternoon...they still don't even know what happened, if it was a stroke or a heart attack.  Given that another of Jared's uncles passed away not a month ago, this was very shocking news, also shocking from the standpoint that his Uncle Gary was at a very healthy point in his life.  Jared left work early under even worse terms:  Walden apparently told him he could only leave a few hours early if he could supply a copy of the death certificate or the obituary...who does that when you just find out a family member passed away?  It was almost like a threat for something that is SUCH a legitimate reason to leave a few hours early for the day.  It really frustrated Jared when he was just trying to get to his mom and family to help them.  Overall, it made for a sad evening

That's been the day today.  Jared and I are trying to decompress by eating Applebees To-Go, which we have not done in a loooooooooooooooong time, and which feels really nice...or WILL feel nice once I end this blog post in order to eat my chicken pasta.  Thus ends this post.  

A James Funny

I went to check James in his bed a few minutes ago.  He had obviously been asleep, but stood up in his pack and play as I walked further into the room.  In the last month or so, he has gotten reattached to his binky after finding one under the couch.  I haven't really cared honestly as long as it is confined to nighttime use.  Anyhow, when I went in, he didn't have it anywhere that I could see.  The following ensued....

James stood up in his bed staring at me like a zombie.  I asked him, "James, where's binky?"

He just stares, swaying slightly back and forth.

I asked again:  "Where's binky?  Is it gone?"

He continues to stares, his lips poofed out and his eyes wide with sleep.

I said, "Okay James, let's go back to sleep".  I figured he wouldn't care at that point that we didn't have his binky.

I laid him back down on his back and clarified one more time for him:  "Okay, sleep time, binky all gone!"

He stared at me with his wide, sleepy eyes for about 2 seconds.

At that point, his hands slowly moved up to the neck of his onesie.  One hand pulled his onesie away from his body and the other hand disappeared down into his onesie.

A smile finally spreads across his face and his eyes light up.  Out of his onesie, he pulled his binky.....where he had apparently hidden it before falling asleep.  He stuffed it into his mouth, looking extremely pleased with himself while I laughed my head off.

That is the beauty and hilarity of James Gregory Lautenschlager.

Journal: Today

Today was a good day in that I was able to get a lot accomplished amidst needing to take it easy a lot.

I got a lot of housework done (but it doesn't look like it, which is just the theme of being a mom).  I know that might not seem like a huge accomplishment, but man, it is while I am waiting for my support belt to get here!!!!  I got the dishes done.  I mopped the floor (not intentionally, it kind of happened after Sara broke a bottle of salsa and pizza sauce on the floor at the same time).  I got all the baby clothes newborn to 18 months sorted and boxes.  I washed and folded all the newborn-3 month clothes.  I got the boys to finish gutting out their room (lots of work to be done, but the corners/closets/hiding places are all cleaned out, sheets are washed, etc).  The girls....okay, nix that, the girls' room does not belong in the success list.  I have sorted through every box of kid clothes we own, I just have to finish categorizing them into boxes and get them packed up into closets.  Overall--lots of jobs done around the house.

The kids' homework time is going so very well, I am pleased with how positive they are about this time of the day, and since I can't physically interact with them a ton, it means a lot to sit on the couch and review their work with them or read with them.  JD has been so proud of himself for getting 100%s on all his reading/spelling/math fact tests so far...sometimes I think he is surprised when he does well academically, which is silly because he is a very smart little boy!  Jordan loves doing his homework as well (which I give him) and he colors pictures every day.  Sara does her homework, which is writing her name, random letters of her choice, and counting or saying all her ABCs and their sounds.  She likes to cut things during her homework time too.  She cuts random shapes and claims they are special game pieces or something like that....whatever works!  She cuts and write with her left hand.....I think I can officially say she is left-handed.  Karianna still does her HW independently every single day.  She was defining vocab words for me yesterday and defined "restless" as "its when you are antsy and just can't sit still".  I laughed my head off and complimented her on defining a vocab word with a WAY better vocabulary word!  Homework time has probably been my favorite time of the day for the last few days.

I got my second stream of evaluation reviews from my supervisor and had nothing but positive comments. She said I was rivaling her veteran evaluators in terms of crafting comments.  That made me feel really good (especially when I haven't showered in about 5 days, which makes me feel really gross, but it hurts to stand for too long....I told you it was bad).

Jared and I have had some amazing conversations the last few days and I love the feeling of reconnecting when life seems so hard. I sure do love my husband.

So really, nothing of important note tonite, it was just a good day though, and I am appreciative of that.  Oh, and the weather was nice....there's a good silver lining!  Maybe if I can convince myself to take a shower, I can elevate this to the status of "great day"!