Just For Me

This post will end well, I promise! These are my recollections of the day my Dad passed away four years ago today. I have written this out mostly for me and hope anyone who reads it can be okay with the emotion in it.

Today has been an interesting day of quiet remembrance. Four years ago, my dad passed away from a massive heart attack. He was only 52 years old, completely healthy, active, and well loved in the community. Jared and I were living on the west side of Mesa at the time, and I had just laid down for a nap after a busy day of teaching first grade. Jared had gone to do some studying at Mesa Community College and Karianna was napping herself-she wasn't even 6 months old yet. The phone started ringing around 5:30, and I was honestly annoyed. I didn't answer the many rings that followed, convincing myself that napping was more important. When I finally answered the phone with a very frustrated "Hello", my world pretty much stopped moving when I heard my sister Rebecca tell me my Dad had collapsed. She sounded a bit frantic, and I remember telling her to calm down and to tell me what happened. All she knew is Dad collapsed on the driveway and they thought he had a seizure or a heart attack-she really wasn't sure. Tables flipped and all of the sudden it was me flipping out. I remember Becca telling me to calm down, that I need to drive to Mesa and I had to be calm so I could drive safely with Karianna. I very quickly threw odds and ends iton a diaper bag, crying the entire time, and grabbed Karianna. As I drove down the stree to MCC to find Jared, I was still crying and praying out loud that Dad would be okay.

We got to MCC and parked illegaly in the teacher's parking lot; I ran to the library only to find out there was no intercom system to find Jared-5 floors and precious time was ticking away. I can only thank a silent prayer for directing me to Jared in minutes. As we drove to the hospital, I did not consider for a moment that Dad might die. I remember talking to Jared about what recovery would be like from a stroke-how long would it take Dad to get his speech and movement back? Would he be in the hospital for long? Jared told me later that he knew Dad had passed away. I just don't think I was willing to consider that. We pulled up to the ER parking lot and Jared let me out while he found a parking space. As I walked in, I saw Bishop Hunt. I remember smiling shakily and asking him how Dad was. He didn't say anything. He led me back to the ER and I saw my whole family huddled around a bed that I couldn't see. Daniel was closest and as I walked up to him, I asked him if Dad was okay. I don't think I will ever forget Daniel's response. He said, "Dad's okay, but he's not here anymore."

Several things happened at once. Daniel hugged me and the crowd cleared a bit. I saw my Dad, looking so oddly different. And I just fell apart. I was in total shock. Next thing I know I was sitting right next to my Dad in tears. At some point Jared was kneeling next to me whispering how sorry he was, and all I could do was ask him to bring Dad back. That's all I wanted, and my heart was breaking for it.

The next few hours were spent in a private room with my family. I remember sitting next to Becca, just holding each other and constantly reaching out to hold Dad's hand. I remember worrying about my four youngest siblings, wondering how in the world they were dealing with this. I remember worrying about Suzie, who was out of state. I just can't imagine how hard that must have been for her. Most of all, I worried about Mom. It is inconceivable to me to imagine losing Jared. If my heart wasn't already broken, it certainly did as I thought about Mom. It was just so shocking for me, and I couldn't understand it-how our family could be together one day, and seemingly broken apart the next. It just didn't make sense. The only thing that was very apparent to me was the fact that Dad was gone. His body was there, and I was doing everything I could to will it back to life. But his spirit was gone from it, and it was totally different.

I didn't want to leave the hospital at all. I felt responsible for watching over Dad; it seemed weird to leave him all by himself, and at one point I remember thinkging, he'll be scared when he wakes up-shouldn't someone be here? When we finally left for the night, I remember walking back to the car with Jared struggling to hold back the tears. As Jared closed my car door, I completely lost it again and pleaded with the Lord to let Dad stay with us just a little longer. We spent the night at my mom's house with most of the other siblings. We huddled on Mom's bed for a while, read Dad's patriarchial blessing and tried to just comfort each other to make it through the night. Eventual bed time brought no relief other than having Jared by my side to remind me of the things that would pull me through. I'm so glad he was there, that night and since, to help me make sense of something that was so foreign to me.

I never expected to have my Dad pass away when I was 22 years old. I feel like I grew up in a bubble, never really experiencing major trials. To have this as my first big trial was very overwhelming. For quite some time, I felt very lost and very confused. I didn't know how to make sense of losing my Dad so suddenly. To some degree, I'm still trying to figure things out. Here's what I have learned though.

There is a plan beyond this life to be with my Dad again; in essence, the time I have to be away from him is relatively short. I belive this with all my heart, and I believe it because my Dad, along with my Mom, taught it to me. My Mom was so diligent after Dad passed away in finding comfort from the leaders of our church. One quote that she shared with me and the whole family has always stuck in my mind and I wish I could remember it exactly and who said it. In any case, it has brought me a lot of comfort: No righteous man is ever taken before his time. This I too believe with all my heart. My Dad was such a righteous man. He lived his life so wonderfully and faithfully, full of integrity, and bearing a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know exactly where he is and that he was taken from this Earth for a very specific reason. He was needed in Heaven, and I can trust that the Lord will buoy me up until I can be with him again.

Another thing I learned is how well my parents taught me. My Dad's passing was so overwhelming for me. However, I believe that the Lord did not take my Dad from this Earth until he had taught me and my siblings all he needed to teach us. It is for this reason that I have been able to come out of this trial with a quiet testimony that the plan of salvation and Jesus Christ makes it possible for me to be with my Dad again. Of that I have no doubt.

I have learned how much I love my family. I have always considered my family to be my best friends. Now more than every I truly cherish my family and the relationships I have with them. I don't want to waste moments anymore. I don't want my kids to miss out on time with their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. The memories I have of my Dad carry me through so many sad days, and I hope to make as many memories as I can with my family and my children as possible. I have learned how strong our family is together. We are not perfect. But our faith and our committment to each other has been a cornerstone in keeping our family together forever, including Dad. My Mom is amazing. Her strength over the last four years is incomparable. I know she misses Dad more than I can imagine. But I also know that her testimony is strong and I know Dad is watching over her.

Above all, I know that I love my Dad more every day-and that emotion overrides missing my Dad more every day. In moments of sadness, I know I I can close my eyes and go back to happy times with Dad-and it just seems to lighten the coils in my heart. I loved the new relationship I had with Dad when I started teaching. It was so wonderful to have education talks with Dad and get his expert advice. I thought it comical to hang out with Dad while he was watching a Suns game-boy, did he get into it! I remember Saturdays of going to Mendoza or O'Connor to practice batting and catching fly balls. On that same note, I remember seeing him walk into the gymnasium for a volleyball game, white shirt and tie, having come straight from work just to see me play. I remember how dedicated he was holding family home evening, family prayer, and family scripture time. So many good memories that I am so grateful to have.

I miss my Dad. I long to have a conversation with him. I dream of inviting him over to play with Karianna, JD, and Jordan. Most of all, I wish I could have said good bye to him, to tell him how much I love him and how much I honor him as my Father. I am satisfied to know that these things will come, and I am comforted to know my family is eternal. I love you Dad-Karianna drew a picture today of me and you holding hands and jumping on trampolines together. I'm going to hold you to that someday!